Sunday, August 3, 2008

Rok's Bottom Line
08-02-08
 
Greetings my bangin brethren!  After the thousands of worldwide requests to our band's website as well as personal calls from well wishers around the globe regarding the up to date shenanigans of Rok Bottomz and Metalicious, it is time for another installment of Rok's Bottom Line.   Thanks to the good people as yourself, RBL has been receiving more hits on the internet than the dug out-pinchie-one hitter owned by a certain ex drummer of ours.  Like the Brett Favre saga, the new Batman movie, or even Drew Peterson, it seems the public just can't get enough of the happenings of=2 0my life, and honestly, I probably can't blame you.  Hell, if Scott Baio can have a successful TV show based on his life, mine should be a major motion picture. 
 
I really do sincerely apologize to all my RBL diehards about the lack of consistency of my blogs.  There are various excuses; I mean reasons, for this.  First of, from my last RBL we have done about 68 live shows around the world to this date.  One day New York, the next day Rio de Janeiro, the next day Buffalo, the next day Schererville….  It just seems with the busy and hectic schedule that Nick Spiro puts us through it is tough to actually get the time to sort things out and write for a moment in peace.  Well, finally when I was just about to have a two day rest to spend some quiet R and R with four new lovely Mormon girls I met in Salt Lake City, I was asked to fly into LA to do a couple commercial shoots promoting our newest corporate endorsement Blow Energy Drink.  Needless to say, whenever Rok is in LA, the town lights up quicker than the WGCI switchboard announcing free concert tickets to an R Kelley concert.   You have to, of course, throw in the obligatory comp tickets to the NBA finals at the Forum, dinner and drinks with my old friends Phil Spector and Adam Curry, an impromptu solo acoustic set at the Whiskey, visits to my three children in the area (Yes, Rok is a true blue to all his global offspring), and a guest appearance on Dee Snider's Rock of the Eighties radio show.  All in one weekend!  Man, just when it seemed like the party was just beginning, there I was catching yet another red eye to meet up with the boys and do a next day performance in some town which I believe was called Dyer or something like that.  Thank God I had my personal swag bag of Blow Energy Drink to keep me goin… 
 
Between all the shows, all the towns, all the parties,  all the escapades, and all the ladies, you do star t to lose track of where you are and things all do start to seem the same nothing really ever surprises you.  As my father once told me, " Rok, if you've seen one set of 64 double E's with a perfect delicate mixture of pink and  peach 2 inch areolas with eraser tip nipples (not the pencil kind but the square shaped ones you put on top of those once they've worn out), you've seen them all.  On that note, recently we did a show in where I believe is Northwest Indiana, which warrants "honorable mention" in July's RBL.  All I know is that a several months ago Nick mentions to us about playing a private party for a couple who has been to see us play several times in some town called Lake Cedar.  Now, it is not uncommon for us to play private parties every once in a while.  For instance, I remember playing Ron Jeremy's 50th, the Playboy Mansion with David Hasselhoff of all people, Heidi Fliess' Out of Prison party, and even Joey Buttafuco's third wedding in 92. However, this was in some small town in Indiana, and we were already out of coincidence already booked to play at Wembley with the Savatage reunion with Riot.  With the enormous amounts of dollar signs floating around, and our intense tour schedule and public appearances, we had to make a decision. Anyway, after deliberations amongst the band and weighing each option with meticulous deductive and inductive reasoning, I decided to take matters in my own hands and make the decision based on what solely matters most to Metalicious;  what town has the hotter chicks.  Cleetus, our resident computer genious, went on line and looked up the two area high school sites of the competing towns and we simply compared the honies.  We sampled Liverpool High School and something called Hanover Central.  Both schools obviously had their picks of the litter and better talent in various areas and categories, but we made the decision that the Lake Cedar girls had better tans, thus got the vote. Liverpool High School did win the "better teeth" category by a slim margin however.  Upon arriving in Lake Cedar we spent the day nude sun bathing at a place called Lake Lemon, had a really good Grecian omelet at some Irish restaurant called O' Harrry's, and drank shots and beers at a local watering hole called Three Stooges.  Now on to the "party".  I must admit, at first impression I was a wee bit disappointed about the accommodations.  I mean, here we are, legendary messiahs of the international metal scene and all they can offer us is ONE state of the art, fully stocked, air conditioned RV to accompany our entourage and show preparations.  .  I looked past the loaded refrigerator with assortments of only a twenty four pack of wine, spreads of only four types of chips and dips, dressing quarters, Jacuzzi, and makeup artist (she was from LA.  LA?  Only makeup artists from France do my personal makeup!!, and what's with only ONE makeup artist by the way, our rider said one makeup artist EACH.  I also still had second thoughts about not doing the Wembley gig, as London has always been one of RokE2s favorite towns.  To add insult to injury, they put us with some goofy opening act who I don't know what rich sub-division garage band they came from.  I believe they had some contest sponsored by the local Guitar Center where any local band could enter to get the opportunity to open for legendary super group Metalicious.  I usually try to be humble and remember the roots of where I came from (even my hair) and listen to the opener and even give them kudos or some types of pointers, but God, what a bunch of ham and eggers.  Imagine four dorky thirty something stiffs in jean shorts who playing horrid versions of all the stuff that makes you want to piss yourself like Centerfold, 867-5309, and I even think the ultimate sin "Brown Eyed Girl"!  The singer even thought he was funny by trying to crack several failed attempts at humor.  Thank god we didn't have to share the same dressing room or I might have had to stuff him in the shitter portal..  He probably is a teacher or something like that who only wishes he could have ever lived the lavish lifestyle of Rok Bottomz and needs something to pad his fragile ego on the weekends besides hi s tennis league.  Go sing Jesse's Girl at the local watering hole Karaoke asshole!  On a good note, I did see one guy in the back bobbin and bangin his head like to some lame song they were doing (probably "Play that Funky Music" but then it occurred to me he was elderly and had Parkinson's.  Enuff said…  Anyway, by the time the band ended (I think the perfect name for them should have been "Close the Opener"), I did manage to be introduced to the hosts of the party, Dan and Colleen (who were very nice people I might add), and slowly was getting a wee bit more comfortable with the surroundings.  Maybe it was the frozen blue drinks, maybe the good eye candy at the party that I could scope peering out of our overcrowded dressing quarters, maybe it was that for a change we were not constantly hounded for autographs and photos before the show by pesky groupies and fans (Colleen and Dan must have laid out the specific ground rules to all their party guests because they did respect our privacy).  Personally nothing bothers me more than being interfered with my pre-show ritual of yoga and pooping. 
 
As far as the show, it went really well.  So well, in fact that Lake Cedar's Finest made not one, not two, but three visits to the bash and not because they were Metalicious fans either.  What I really respected about the party hosts is that in the name of rock and roll, in the name of the hundreds of friends of theirs in attendance who were mesmerized by every note of Metalicious, and in the name of saying a big "fuck you" to whoever had the nerve to call the police; they paid the fines, told us to keep playing, and kept the party goin baby!  This is what Rok Bottomz and Metalicious is all about, so from there on it just seemed like a metal match made in heaven and they bash became that much more rockin.  After our second set we sat and had drinks and stimulating conversation with total strangers (even invited several of the ladies to our RV, gave some pointers to the opening band, took pictures, indulged in the hot tub, and we even agreed, by Dan and Colleen's request, to throw in a complimentary free autograph session for the fans from 1:00-1:03.  I look forward to playing there again next year so I can once again give something back, like the panties to the lovely lady who left them wrapped around my neck after the show. 
 
Well, time to go ladies and gents.  We look forward to seeing all our fans this week as our tour takes us through the Bible Belt.  Won't the ladies be looking forward to seeing what's under my bible belt.  For all our fans from Lake Cedar, we will be returning to Indiana to play in some town called Winfield at Buddy and Pal's on August 15th (a rare Friday night show).  In the meantime, Rok out with your Sock out!!

Hugs and passionate kisses,

Rok
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