Rok's Bottom Line

08-02-08

 

Greetings my bangin brethren!  After the thousands of worldwide requests to our band's website as well as personal calls from well wishers around the globe regarding the up to date shenanigans of Rok Bottomz and Metalicious, it is time for another installment of Rok's Bottom Line.   Thanks to the good people as yourself, RBL has been receiving more hits on the internet than the dug out-pinchie-one hitter owned by a certain ex drummer of ours.  Like the Brett Favre saga, the new Batman movie, or even Drew Peterson, it seems the public just can't get enough of the happenings of=2 0my life, and honestly, I probably can't blame you.  Hell, if Scott Baio can have a successful TV show based on his life, mine should be a major motion picture. 

 

I really do sincerely apologize to all my RBL diehards about the lack of consistency of my blogs.  There are various excuses; I mean reasons, for this.  First of, from my last RBL we have done about 68 live shows around the world to this date.  One day New York, the next day Rio de Janeiro, the next day Buffalo, the next day Schererville….  It just seems with the busy and hectic schedule that Nick Spiro puts us through it is tough to actually get the time to sort things out and write for a moment in peace.  Well, finally when I was just about to have a two day rest to spend some quiet R and R with four new lovely Mormon girls I met in Salt Lake City, I was asked to fly into LA to do a couple commercial shoots promoting our newest corporate endorsement Blow Energy Drink.  Needless to say, whenever Rok is in LA, the town lights up quicker than the WGCI switchboard announcing free concert tickets to an R Kelley concert.   You have to, of course, throw in the obligatory comp tickets to the NBA finals at the Forum, dinner and drinks with my old friends Phil Spector and Adam Curry, an impromptu solo acoustic set at the Whiskey, visits to my three children in the area (Yes, Rok is a true blue to all his global offspring), and a guest appearance on Dee Snider's Rock of the Eighties radio show.  All in one weekend!  Man, just when it seemed like the party was just beginning, there I was catching yet another red eye to meet up with the boys and do a next day performance in some town which I believe was called Dyer or something like that.  Thank God I had my personal swag bag of Blow Energy Drink to keep me goin… 

 

Between all the shows, all the towns, all the parties,  all the escapades, and all the ladies, you do star t to lose track of where you are and things all do start to seem the same nothing really ever surprises you.  As my father once told me, " Rok, if you've seen one set of 64 double E's with a perfect delicate mixture of pink and  peach 2 inch areolas with eraser tip nipples (not the pencil kind but the square shaped ones you put on top of those once they've worn out), you've seen them all.  On that note, recently we did a show in where I believe is Northwest Indiana, which warrants "honorable mention" in July's RBL.  All I know is that a several months ago Nick mentions to us about playing a private party for a couple who has been to see us play several times in some town called Lake Cedar.  Now, it is not uncommon for us to play private parties every once in a while.  For instance, I remember playing Ron Jeremy's 50^th, the Playboy Mansion with David Hasselhoff of all people, Heidi Fliess' Out of Prison party, and even Joey Buttafuco's third wedding in 92. However, this was in some small town in Indiana, and we were already out of coincidence already booked to play at Wembley with the Savatage reunion with Riot.  With the enormous amounts of dollar signs floating around, and our intense tour schedule and public appearances, we had to make a decision. Anyway, after deliberations amongst the band and weighing each option with meticulous deductive and inductive reasoning, I decided to take matters in my own hands and make the decision based on what solely matters most to Metalicious;  what town has the hotter chicks.  Cleetus, our resident computer genious, went on line and looked up the two area high school sites of the competing towns and we simply compared the honies.  We sampled Liverpool High School and something called Hanover Central.  Both schools obviously had their picks of the litter and better talent in various areas and categories, but we made the decision that the Lake Cedar girls had better tans, thus got the vote. Liverpool High School did win the "better teeth" category by a slim margin however.  Upon arriving in Lake Cedar we spent the day nude sun bathing at a place called Lake Lemon, had a really good Grecian omelet at some Irish restaurant called O' Harrry's, and drank shots and beers at a local watering hole called Three Stooges.  Now on to the "party".  I must admit, at first impression I was a wee bit disappointed about the accommodations.  I mean, here we are, legendary messiahs of the international metal scene and all they can offer us is ONE state of the art, fully stocked, air conditioned RV to accompany our entourage and show preparations.  .  I looked past the loaded refrigerator with assortments of only a twenty four pack of wine, spreads of only four types of chips and dips, dressing quarters, Jacuzzi, and makeup artist (she was from LA.  LA?  Only makeup artists from France do my personal makeup!!, and what's with only ONE makeup artist by the way, our rider said one makeup artist EACH.  I also still had second thoughts about not doing the Wembley gig, as London has always been one of RokE2s favorite towns.  To add insult to injury, they put us with some goofy opening act who I don't know what rich sub-division garage band they came from.  I believe they had some contest sponsored by the local Guitar Center where any local band could enter to get the opportunity to open for legendary super group Metalicious.  I usually try to be humble and remember the roots of where I came from (even my hair) and listen to the opener and even give them kudos or some types of pointers, but God, what a bunch of ham and eggers.  Imagine four dorky thirty something stiffs in jean shorts who playing horrid versions of all the stuff that makes you want to piss yourself like Centerfold, 867-5309, and I even think the ultimate sin "Brown Eyed Girl"!  The singer even thought he was funny by trying to crack several failed attempts at humor.  Thank god we didn't have to share the same dressing room or I might have had to stuff him in the shitter portal..  He probably is a teacher or something like that who only wishes he could have ever lived the lavish lifestyle of Rok Bottomz and needs something to pad his fragile ego on the weekends besides hi s tennis league.  Go sing Jesse's Girl at the local watering hole Karaoke asshole!  On a good note, I did see one guy in the back bobbin and bangin his head like to some lame song they were doing (probably "Play that Funky Music" but then it occurred to me he was elderly and had Parkinson's.  Enuff said…  Anyway, by the time the band ended (I think the perfect name for them should have been "Close the Opener"), I did manage to be introduced to the hosts of the party, Dan and Colleen (who were very nice people I might add), and slowly was getting a wee bit more comfortable with the surroundings.  Maybe it was the frozen blue drinks, maybe the good eye candy at the party that I could scope peering out of our overcrowded dressing quarters, maybe it was that for a change we were not constantly hounded for autographs and photos before the show by pesky groupies and fans (Colleen and Dan must have laid out the specific ground rules to all their party guests because they did respect our privacy).  Personally nothing bothers me more than being interfered with my pre-show ritual of yoga and pooping. 

 

As far as the show, it went really well.  So well, in fact that Lake Cedar's Finest made not one, not two, but three visits to the bash and not because they were Metalicious fans either.  What I really respected about the party hosts is that in the name of rock and roll, in the name of the hundreds of friends of theirs in attendance who were mesmerized by every note of Metalicious, and in the name of saying a big "fuck you" to whoever had the nerve to call the police; they paid the fines, told us to keep playing, and kept the party goin baby!  This is what Rok Bottomz and Metalicious is all about, so from there on it just seemed like a metal match made in heaven and they bash became that much more rockin.  After our second set we sat and had drinks and stimulating conversation with total strangers (even invited several of the ladies to our RV, gave some pointers to the opening band, took pictures, indulged in the hot tub, and we even agreed, by Dan and Colleen's request, to throw in a complimentary free autograph session for the fans from 1:00-1:03.  I look forward to playing there again next year so I can once again give something back, like the panties to the lovely lady who left them wrapped around my neck after the show. 

 

Well, time to go ladies and gents.  We look forward to seeing all our fans this week as our tour takes us through the Bible Belt.  Won't the ladies be looking forward to seeing what's under my bible belt.  For all our fans from Lake Cedar, we will be returning to Indiana to play in some town called Winfield at Buddy and Pal's on August 15^th (a rare Friday night show).  In the meantime, Rok out with your Sock out!!

Hugs and passionate kisses,

Rok

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Rok's Bottom Line

Monday, April 7^th 2008

 

Hello Metal Mercenaries!  Hope things have been going good for everyone.  The band just returned to our home base after a triumphant week long mini tour of the Midwest.   The "Backseats of America 08" tour included dates in Cleveland, Indianapolis, Chicago, Detroit, and concluded in St. Joseph's Michigan on Saturday.  Of the thousands that we entertained at the shows on stage, and the tens of ladies we "entertained" after the shows in our hotel rooms (that is each I must add, not a cumulative band total), I must say that the St. Joseph's show at Czar's has to rank up there with some of the most memorable experiences in my 30 plus years of pubic service (no that is not a typo either!!) to metal mayhem. 

 

I want to thank all the loyal Metalicious Mafia that came out to the shows and who dressed in full 80s metal attire to add to the mystique of the Metalicious live experience.  Hell, something tells me some in attendance probably weren't in character and just look that way.  If that is the case, like Accept says, "God Bless Ya!!".  It was apparent that the new songs went over well, that Starlos is fitting in well, and that Metalicious fever is spreading more than the gymnast I met after the Detroit show.  The numbers at our shows seems to be increasing with every appearance (no, not the phone numbers – well that too… , but the actual audience) and this only means that we will have to work even harder to please the masses.  While on the subject of numbers, Seth Goldstein, our resident accountant and statistician, compiled some quantitative data to summarize this past week's statements and charts:

• $ 289 – amount spent by Nick Spiro for wardrobe
• 107 – the number of Bud Lites consumed by Sissi
• 7 – the menu number of the "Fiesta Plate" ordered by Dane at the Pepe's in Troy, Michigan
• 18 – shots of Patron ordered by band at Pepe's
• 34– amount of times Rok screwed up lyrics to various songs
• 576 – miles put on the Tour Astrovan
• 7 – miles per gallon of Tour Astrovan
• 36 – condoms used by band (note: that is three packs of 12, or four times nine)
• 13 – times the line, "Its OK, I'm fixed" was heard
• 242 – the number of the designated "sex room" at Silver Beach Hotel in St. Joe
• 47 – pages read by Cleetus of "the Idiots Guide to Tantric"
• 2 – minutes lasted by Cleetus during brief encounter after the Cleveland show
• 147 – Marlboro Lights smoked by Starlos
• 147 – Marlboro Lights smoked by Starlos after sex
• 16 – new English words learned by Dane.  Words include "burrito, suizo, magnum, tantric, and tea bag"..
• 1 – arrest (actually an attempted arrest but a cooperative groupie helped Rok elude a mid show incarceration by offering her "services" and persuading the cop to change his mind).  Actually, I believe her lips were "pursed" so maybe we should call it "purse-suaded". 
• 6 – visits to Big Boys for the famous All You Can Eat Brunch Buffet
• 36 – visits to restroom approximately one hour after Big Boys (6 times 6)

 

On a final note, I just want to say hello to the lady I'll call "Madge" who had the nerve to interrupt a tender moment I was having with a couple lovely females after the St. Joe show in my hotel room.  Apparently she was a bit miffed because of the rather loud shenanigans going on in my room which happened to be next to hers.  She informed me that her, husband, and her two nine year old twins happened to have a big day the next day with a soccer tournament and that she couldn't sleep.  The intriguing deal of it all was that it really wasn't the noise that was keeping her up, but the curiosity, as her kids and husband both were sound asleep.  Well, like State Farm Insurance, I am a good neighbor, and invited the lady to come in and partake of a midnight snack.  Needless to say, about an hour later she returned to her room to a peaceful sleep.  I'll bet during her sons' soccer match she'll be thinking dirty thoughts when she hears the word "score".   And by the way, being an avid soccer fan and league player in my summer home in Madrid, I hope her kids improve their "toe kicks" in their soccer games.  I gave the best advice I could.  Good Luck Kids!! 

 

 

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2/09/08

 

Well hello out there metal mercenaries.  Time for another Rok's Bottom Line.  It has been a while and instead of basically filling you in on the usual everyday hedonistic shenanigans of the band such as wild foursomes, hanging with A-list celebrities, indulging in the most technologically sophisticated modern drugs money can buy, and flying our personal leer jets across the country for radio and television appearances, I decided to be gracious enough in my hectic schedule to take the time out and personally answer some of the hundreds of e-mails I receive daily from Metalicious fans spanning the globe. 

 

Kiki from Des Moines, IA

Mr. Bottomz, it is such a pleasure.  I was wondering on the status of the band now that Skiz Roe has left. What was the deal anyway?   Is there any truth to the rumor of Alex Van Halen taking his place?

You know Kiki, I think a good vocabulary exercise explaining the ultimate decision of Skiz leaving the band would be with the many different homonyms of the form of "where, we're, wear, and ware".  Unfortunately the band and Skiz had different perspectives on 1) where the band was going, where we have been, and where we are right now  2) we're just not on the same page 3) think of it like baseball, you must wear the team's uniform to part of the team or not wear too many hats and 4) we became wary of each other's goals, approaches, and personal obligations, and all collectively decided to go in another direction.  The band is currently close to finalizing our decision of Skiz's replacement and will publicly announce it soon.  Alex Van Halen, though a good friend of mine and close confidant, did not take part of the audition process.  He did inquire about the position online and stressed some disappointment when I explained to him that gigs with his "other band" would only interfere with the strenuous and rigorous demands of a routine Metalicious schedule, and I doubt he would be ready anyway for the pressures of being in such a noteworthy, high octane act like ourselves.  However, we look forward to unleashing the newest Metalicious member at a press conference next week (no ladies, not his member, but the "member" of the band – he'll make sure to expose his member at a later date).  Expect new songs, a new attitude, a new logo, new bits, and the same old good times associated with the Metalicious experience.

 

 

Tactu  from Nome, AK

Saw you guys in Juno last year.  Great show!!  I have to know, "is it a sock or is it Rok"?  My husband and I have a bet of a one night stand with any member of our local church riding on this one!!

 

Wow, I've always been agnostic myself, but I never knew what I was missing out of on Sundays!  To answer your question I'll use a little 80s anecdote.  Please do not insult me by questioning whether it is a "sock" or not.  A sock does not fully describe, detail, or closely encompass what is underneath the spandex.  In fact, a sock is not worthy!  Instead, it should or would be more appropriate to refer to the imposter as a "legwarmer" or something much more dimensional. But then again, "Is it a legwarmer, or is it Rok" doesn't quite rhyme or sound as catchy.  But then again, what is underneath actually could be a "leg-warmer" if you really think about it…..

 

 

Biff from Philadelphia, PA

How do you get such good abs? 

 

You really want to know?  I'm going to let you in on a little secret that many in the fitness industry might not want you to hear.  The key?  Excessive vomiting.  I used my own little research over the past and found that many actors, musicians, and athletes who had great cut and ripped physiques (especially the mid-section) had one thing in common, they were all hard core junkies in one way or another.  Just take a look at vintage clips of Iggy Pop, Robert Downey, and Joe Perry.  Vomiting is an integral part of working the "core".  A good chunk blowing once a day works the entire midsection equally, including the lower, middle, and upper abdomen area as well as oblique.  In fact, a five minute binge and purge session is equal to 200 crunches, 1000 bicycle kicks, 20 hanging leg raises, and 42 side bends. 

 

 

Grant from Waco, TX

Why do you not play more guitar during the show?  I always marvel at the dexterity, clean sound, and rare usage of obscure notes and alternative tuning during "Every Rose Has Its Thorn".  Who are your influences on guitar?

 

Thanks Grant.  Many do not know this but I am actually a classically trained guitarist.  Trained, that is, in classic rock three chord standards.  Hey, I just try to be a team player and do what I do best, singing, gyrating, communicating, and hoarding all the bimbos and skanks.  Besides, Dane, Cleetus, and Nick do a fine job holding down the 6 string duties and would hate to take away any of the credit they deserve.  Influences?  I would say Neil Diamond, David Cassidy, and of course Johnny Bravo of the Brady Bunch!!

 

 

Jenna from LA, CA

Where can I get a copy of "Bottomz on Top", the porno you made in the early 90s?  I have searched adult movie shops across the state, the internet, and even the recent annual Las Vegas Porn convention to no avail.  Any chance you might make a return to the industry?

Oooh, I love that name, Jenna!  Truth is, though periodically in the industry and in huge demand for such little experience (in the business, that is) I was rather bored and felt secluded in the adult film industry.  In fact, it was a bit of a letdown.  After bedding thousands of hotties from the typical rock lifestyle for the last twenty years I actually was disappointed in the caliber of talent, both sexually and physically, of the actresses I was working with.  If you are a sports fan, it would be almost like Tom Brady switching to the CFL or like Robert Deniro starring in a high school play.  However, there is some good news.  Nick, our manager, is currently accepting bids for a worldwide release and distribution deal for some candid, impromptu, and unedited backstage moments we have secretly recorded throughout the past tour with anonymous groupies called UNDRESSED REHEARSAL, featuring the most talented, gifted, and "headicated" fans this side of a Tom Jones concert.  Believe me, once you see this it's gonna make Girls Gone Wild look like Toddlers Gone Wild. 

 

 

Trevor, Ontario, Canada

I just received a rare bootleg copy off of E-Bay of the show at JJ Kelley's from May, 13, 2007.  Are you aware that ruthless Metalicious fans are hawking copies of Skiz's last show from Bookies for no less than $211?  You need to be aware of those so called Metalicious fans out there who are capitalizing on your name, fame, and good will. 

 

You know Trevor, that is just part of the business and happens all the time.  I really can't blame some lowlife who wants to make an easy buck off of someone else's toil.  A good friend of mine happens to be an economics teacher at a local high school told me quite simply, "its just supply and demand in action, bro!"  When you are public figures, you always are setting yourself up for some type of schemes and travesties.  Can you believe that recently we were contacted by a major legal firm seeking retribution for the rights to the Metalicious logo?  Seems that both Bubblicious (the chewing gum corporation) and the Stock Metal Lettering CEO are litigating that we stole the font, idea, and concept from them and want us to pay residuals and royalties off the gross net capital revenues earnings receipts and capital gains assets from our last quarterly income statements and profits from gigs at Bookies and Second Dimensions.  Needless to say, there are ultimately and undoubtedly too many figures here to mention, and we sadly will have to settle out of court and change our beloved logo sometime soon.  Because of this valuable lesson and to safeguard ourselves from the pirateering of our "property" I recently had to copyright the following Metalicious related quotes to insure that nobody will steal our material.  This is an actual copy of the receipt:

Copyright Submission Form #200254
United States Trademark/Copyright/Patent Office
Washington, DC

 

Mr. Rok Bottomz/Metalicious, as mandated by the US Government, after successfully submitting and applying to Section G13O of the US Copyright Commission, owns the private and federal rights to the following quotes:

The Hair Band Approved by Four out of Five Soccer Moms..

Let's Get Ready to Stumble…
Daughter's Hide Your Mothers…

Would any lady like to sit on Sissi's Bass?...

Hugs and Reacharounds..
Are You Ready to Rock?...
Are You Having a Good Time Tonight?...

Our Next Song is….

Its time for our break, see you in twenty minutes…

Thank You, Good Night, and Let's All Get Laid…

 

If any of you happen to see any of these quotes on any shirts, bumper stickers, buttons, commercials, jingles, or websites, please promptly let us know and our legal team will be on that like my prom date.  Hmm..  I like that one, maybe I'll copyright that one too.. 

 

Gentry, from San Francisco, CA

Who does your hair?  With the demands of the road and your late night ossuaries, how do you manage to keep it so well groomed?

Thanks Gentry.  Fortunately, Nick Spiro, our tour manager "combs" through the local city we usually are in and finds the most pricey, high class, and sophisticated salon in the area that would have access to the finest stylists, shampoos, conditioners, and spa treatments.  "Locks of Love", Rok Bottomz

 

 

Holly from Peckinpaw, Kansas

Loved the picture of you and your daughter Ana on the website.  Any plans on her following her father's footsteps in the industry or are you going to steer her away in other directions? 

Thanks Holly.  Which Ana did you mean?  Ana is a pretty popular name and being someone with so many offspring out there it gets hard to tell who is who at times.  There's Ana Frank in Germany, Ana Nicole in California, Ana B. Davis in Waukegan, Ana Kournekova from Russia, Ana Rice in Washington, Anastasia in Spain, and Anesthesia in Gary.  If you are referring to the most recent Ana, Ana Elizabeth from Schererville, In,  that is the one I am the most proud of.  Although I really would not encourage her to pursue a career in the music industry, it is evident even at such an early age (8 months) she has the pipes to carry on the Bottomz tradition of fronting let's say, the next generation of 80s hair bands in the 2020's.   I have already been approached by Nickelodeon concerning getting her into the business early and creating a show based on me being her legendary father and her entertainment career.  Maybe we'll call it Ana Montana. 

 

See you next time!!

 

Hugs and Reacharounds,

 

Rok Bottomz

 

 

 

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11/15

Hello everyone!  Greetings from Rok Bottomz.  Well, have to say the last few shows around the region have all been great successes!  Want to thank all the thousands who attended the Halloween Party at Bookies and the masses who came out in droves to our debut in Crown Point at Buddy and Pal's.  As always, we want to sincerely acknowledge those who attend our shows frequently (your know who you are!) for their continued support (especially the "anonymous" vixen after the Buddy and Pal's show whose death defying mastery of  balance, strength, coordination, flexibility, and zen like focus against the laws of gravity brought new meaning to "supporter of Rok Bottomz"), and openly welcome all the lovely female Metalicious Virgins  who were "deflowered" by the penetrating forces of the Metalicious Members.  As I sit here writing this memoir, I can't help to ponder the thoughts going on in the head of a typical lassie witnessing their first show of ours.  It is probably like doing it your first time with Jenna Jameson or Ron Jeremy; you don't know what to think; you were probably a bit overwhelmed, you needed a bit of assistance at first and might have been a bit confused and in awe of the spectacle,  you might be a bit sore or embarrassed the next day, and it might have been a bit trashy but you can't help thinking and dreaming about the next time.   You know, a Metalicious show is a lot like great sex:  it should be loud, pulsating, hard, fast, and always great to see a good solo every once in a while.  Whoo, I'm getting wound up even thinking about it!!  Kind of reminds me of the time when we were on tour in 89 and ended up in a small town near the Ozark Mountains.  Well, I decided to go on this expedition at a state park where, with a licensed instructor, you could hike through the dangerous terrain and enjoy the beautiful local scenery.  Little did I know, the group leader happened to be at the show the night before, and was interested in doing a little "Rok climbing" of her own.  We soon found ourselves on our own "happy trail" and being ones in touch with mother nature,  shed our clothing (with the exception of our hiking boots) and followed our "call of the wild" and primal inhibitions.  As I stood facing the west behind the sun (and her) and admiring the aesthetic beauty of the canyon (the park and her's), I couldn't help to glance at the very stone we were "mounting" and notice the burns and scratches her loins were accumulating during our wildlife exploration.  That's when it occurred to me?  Should she continue her obvious enjoyment or should I cease in regards to her physical well being or let her continue her satisfaction of getting a "piece of the rock"?  Here was the perfect picture of nature vs nurture, of pleasure vs. pain, of the environment vs. civilization..  She was definitely between a Rok and a hard place.  As it turned out, she survived the "bumps" and bruises, much to the assistance of lovely medic, who also happened to be a big Rok Bottomz fan.   But that is another chapter in the ongoing saga of Rok Bottomz.  It's the stuff that Harlequin novels are made of.  You know, I'm kind of like Fabio… but with talent.  What is the moral of all this?  I feel that Metalicious Fever is starting to spread more than the rash on Dane's twins in the late eighties .  Our following seems to be growing weekly and while initially are the non-believers and detractors who may not appreciate our performance art and methods,  much like the aforementioned Jenna Jamesons and Ron Jeremy's who were first virgins and later became icons, they will soon become "metal missionaries" like ourselves.  As far as those that we fail to convert, there's nothing better than a good grudge fuck anyway!!

 

Hugs and Tea Bags,

 

Rok Bottomz

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Hello there everyone

Hello there everyone. It is good to finally communicate with our vast audience via this new thing they call the internet. Thankfully one of my younger girlfriends understands how modern technology works and is able to guide me through the whole process. It is very similar to how I helped "guide" her through other special skill acquisitions and was patient enough to work with her inexperience. We'll call it, on the "job" training. Back to my technology story, she said the first thing to do is "hook up" my computer through a phone line, but I couldn't find any outputs on my Commodore Vic 20. Fortunately, we have had a banner tour making great money and I was able to purchase a "newer" model through a local retail establishment, Goodwill. It was kind of a pain in the ass "removing the old files" of the previous owner, but fortunately there was some discrete pictures of teenage girls left on it, so I didn't have to take the time of deleting all of them. Anyway, you can look forward to hearing some of the current memos I compose while either "on the road" in our tourvan, in one of our luxurious hotel rooms, or as I am in "deep" thought while receiving oral gratification from a gracious Metalicious female groupie.

I must say how enjoyable the experience has been since we have made Northwest Indiana our official "home base". The great people of the Region (especially the ladies) have welcomed us with open arms and open mouths. It is a great location, and I never seem to be amazed at the diversity it possesses. You can see all different walks of life in usually a three beer drive, which is usually about twenty minutes (I'm drinking 40 ouncers I might add!). You take a half hour cruise one way and you are in the greatest city in the world, Chicago. You take a half hour drive another way and your in one hundred percent, Grade A, premium blend, tasters choice, prime cut, USDA approved, government certified red-neckdom. That's kind of funny sounding, Red-Neckdom. Sounds like an action figure.. "I'm Red Neckdom, hillbilly superhero. Here to help you figure out your calculator to add up groceries or replace the intake manifold of your 87 Chevy Monza!" He's got his flannel cape, his Marlboro Miles belt buckle, and John Deere cap. Gonna save the day for all innocent citizens whose stereo presets are all set on US99! But whereas Superman protects Metropolis, and Batman saves Gotham City, just where is the city borders of protection for Red Neckdom? This must be that magical line where once you go past the city limits the MPC count raises proportionally (MPC is "mullets per capita" for those of you who are geographically challenged). These are the places where the only thing as few and far between as a college education is the teeth. No wonder in some ways they are correct when they say there is "more than corn in Indiana". They aren't bullshitting: there is trucks, tractors, flea markets, and video stores - sometimes all in the same trailer park if you're lucky. But back to that diversity in a drive thing. I took a twenty minute drive down Ridge Road and went from crack head to cracked corn. Took a half hour drive down US 41 and went from welfare to well water. Took a forty five minute drive down I-65 and went from White Castle to White Only Castle. Still, I find myself at home here where there is peace and tranquility and not hounded from stalkers, the paparazzi, and autograph hounds like I would in Chicago. In fact, sometimes it bothers me about the unfair stereotype that NW Indiana gets from Chicago natives. But, just when you think you are getting somewhere in your argument and get their respect comes another breaking story from the Chicago network news featuring a piece from NW Indiana. Why is it that they always have to interview some mullet headed, tattoo necked, Skoal chewing, acorn teethed, concert shirt wearing, cheesy mustached, hilljack whose 'off center offspring' kid named Jebediah was saved from being mangled to death by the family dog in the neighbor's woodchipper... And they're just interviewing the Mom.

Anyway, I want to thank the hundreds who waited in the long lines, faced the mob crowd, and decorated us with personalized gifts (the IUD to Sissi was a first) at our last show at Bookies. I am a bit bothered, however, at some of the posers who are coming to our shows to simply be "where it is at". The "overcrowding" element is sometimes fun and all but we feel it takes away from our true fans enjoying the show. We have thought about several possible routes to help eliminate this dilemma. Nick has suggested that we possibly have a questionnaire featuring random hair metal questions that potential concert goers would have to pass in order to attend the show. If you fail the test, your cover charge would simply be $20 instead of the standard $5. Perhaps another route would be, as suggested by Dane, for the band to charge Studio 54 style. This would be where we can approve or deny your entrance by how "metal" you look. In a way it is kind of "head bang profiling". It might sound cruel, but I'm just looking out for the good of the serious Metalicious fan.

Finally, we are always looking for suggestions, comments, or concerns in making Metalicious even more of a household name than we are today. On our myspace we have a bulletin regarding new songs that you might be interested in hearing us play. Fortunately we are metal kin and good friends and associates of most of the artists we cover, and they have "waived" the ASCAP fees, copyright infringements, and royalty issue concerning the legalities of doing "cover" music of their own material. Sometimes, however, we have to deny some of the artists requested due to an unfortunate experience we have had with them or bad blood that still exist between bands or their members. For instance, do not expect to hear any Giufrria because there is still hard feelings about a discrepancy in pay for them opening up for Skiz's band in 1986 at the Roxy. (Skiz, who was active manager of the time, was court ordered to pay them $220 for a 45 minute slot and he contends they only played for 40 minutes, and thus only paid the $42). In another example, due to Dane's ethnic heritage and love of his homeland Sweden, he also refuses to learn any Accept, being that Germany (Accept's homeland) is one of his country's sworn natural enemies. These are usually the exceptions to the rule, and we typically will do our best to honor your requests. Just give us time. Due to the substantial overload and accumulative deterioration of brain cells we endure on a daily basis, it is sometimes a task to take upon this challenge. Still, we will do what we can. See you all soon!

Hugs and Reacharounds,

Rok Bottomz

Metalicious Birth: Ana Elizabeth Baron

Hello everyone...
Thought I would let the world know that this morning Amber gave birth to our second daughter Ana at 7:55am.
Amber is doing well and Alex (our other daughter), though "briefed" for the past six months, seemed very "curious" about the new thing Mommy and Daddy were holding. I, on the other hand, am already sweating the notion of raising two girls.
I'll get pictures and updates together soon as we have some shows coming up in July and August. Rok